Where the wild things are…meet your new roommate
Greetings and squeaks!
If I told you my name, you wouldn’t be able to pronounce it unless you are a proficient speaker of Mouse. So, you can call me … Fievel. And I’m a mouse.
There are some misconceptions out there about us mice, and though most mice couldn’t care less than a chunk of Swiss cheese what you think, I figured I’d do you a favor and clue you in…now that we’re roommates.
Yeah, so I’m living under your roof. Sorry…but I found holes in your foundation and it really wasn’t tough to sneak in. I don’t need a hole much bigger than a dime to get in.
So now that I’m your roommate, here are a few things you might like to know:
1) We mice are the triathletes of rodents. We can climb really well, and we can swim! We can also jump up to 18 inches straight in the air! But weirdly, Wheaties hasn’t offered any of us a contract. Which is unfortunate, because …
2) … we love cereal. In fact, we love grains, nuts, and sweet things. Contrary to popular human belief, we’re actually not huge fans of cheese. So if you lock up the Parmesan but leave an open bag of salad croutons on the kitchen counter, I consider that an engraved dinner invitation. And yes, of course I will come. With a date.
3) We keep stashes of food all over your house. You know that bowl of dry kibbles you leave out all day for Fifi the Poodle to nosh on? Well, when no one’s looking, I’ll dash out there, grab a kibble, and bring it back to one of my hiding places. Then I’ll do it again, and again, and again. All day long. That way I know I have plenty in the event you all go to Disney World.
4) We don’t just eat what you and your pets eat. Remember when your mother-in-law brought you that lovely lavender-and-lemongrass candle-and-soap gift set? Yeah, I ate it.
5) “There’s No Place Like (Your) Home.” As long as I have food, shelter, and sufficient moisture (and it doesn’t take much moisture — I get most of the water I need from my food), I may not travel more than 10 feet away from my nest.
6) Bathroom’s all yours. As a roommate, I’m never going to hog your facilities. I’m just going to do my thing all over the place. I’m not ashamed to tell you that I’m incontinent so for convenience’s sake I just pee wherever I’m standing, pretty much every moment. And as far as, ahem, “number two”, I drop at least 70 a day. No, it’s OK, I’m not embarrassed. You have all the time in the world to take a bath and dry your hair. I wouldn’t dream of interrupting you in there.
7) If the mousehole is rockin’… Two mice can become 5,000 in one year. I don’t have time to tie a sock to the doorknob (besides the fact that I don’t wear socks, nor do I know how to tie a knot), so if you haven’t seen me in a while, just assume I’m, you know, busy.
I hope this little get-to-know-me-better has been helpful. Please don’t go to bed tonight without leaving the last Oreo on the dining room table. Thank you…I appreciate it. Squeak.